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RCinGA
Posts:3
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| 05/08/2009 7:39 AM |
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| I have a question about a difference in the two books. In FWO, there is
a chapter called "The Truth About the Way You Look." You encourage
women to make the effort to be appealing for their husbands. I totally
agree, and have for 20 years worked to maintain an ideal weight. I was
wondering why in FMO, their own physical appearance is not addressed.
My DH has gained at least 40 lbs since our wedding, and it is not
attractive. I wish the book had told the guys that their physique has a
profound affect on their wives. Like men, we want other women to think
we "did well." We want to see our husband make an effort to be healthy
and strong and manly in appearance. And as the book says about men, I,
as a wife, desperately want him to know and feel unable to tell him. It
sounds too critical. But a double standard here is unfair. It's the
same for me...if he'd take care of himself, I'd feel loved. When he
won't, I feel "unvalued [sic]and unloved." |
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Jerimiah
Posts:4
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| 05/11/2009 3:45 AM |
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I have been married to the same women for almost 13 years. I want to let you know that I agree with you. My wife never told me I was fat, but she did give subtle hints as to how big my belly was and I need to get it down. But it cannot be just one sided, it does take two. Like my doctor told me and my wife, well mostly my wife, "You need to support him, and doing exercise together will help encourage him to get in shape".. I still did it on my own though. I do not know exactly what to tell you, but just support him in everything he does and stay beautiful for him.
-J- |
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dickeybird
Posts:2
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| 05/12/2009 9:48 AM |
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I agree. I have been married for 15 years to a man who thought he was physically attractive when I met him. That wasn't what attracted me to him. He has always been overweight and out of shape, but he thought his marriage weight was just fine. He is now about 30 pounds heavier and he is uncomfortable with his weight and appearance.
He diets, but his diet is high in carbs--rice, rice, rice. If I try to suggest alternatives or cook alternatives, he becomes angry
and says I'm trying to make him fat by adding some meat and flavor to
his menu. He also snacks and has no concept of portion control. He doesn't understand why he's not losing weight.
He falls for the "low-fat" advertising, not realizing most of those products are packed with sugar to replace the missing fats. When I pointed this out to him he got angry at me and the manufacturers. Then, he continued to buy those "low-fat" products.
At the time we married, I was still recovering from a serious weight loss, hospitalization, and incident of dehydration. I was quite thin. I discovered not long after our marriage that his idea of feminine beauty is borderline anorexia--or even genuine anorexia. He thought my body with the bones showing was beautiful. I just thought he loved me. I think I was wrong.
There is a double standard still going strong and it has caused problems in my marriage.
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 05/12/2009 10:22 PM |
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I think it wasn't addressed because they were looking for the main problems that men and women deal with individually in their marriages. So if that wasn't one of the "biggies" that women mentioned, then that would explain why it didn't get in.
But I agree with you - it's important to women, too.
Sloppy, lazy guys can be a turn-off for us just as much as sloppy, lazy women can be to guys.
-Julie |
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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Ashley4
Posts:7
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| 12/27/2009 9:33 PM |
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| AMEN Sister! I love him more than anything, but that's the one thing that is the most irritating to me. He's a big eater, while I choose to keep my portions reasonable, since I know my guy (is normal) is visual. However, it's very hard for me to limit my food intake, exercise, etc. when my husband doesn't seem to care about his own maintenance. |
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dannimariec
Posts:3
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| 12/28/2009 1:32 PM |
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| Though my future husband is not fat. In fact, he has a fabulous metabolism. I'm the one with a weight problem. Not a lot, and it doesn't seem to bother him. But it bothers me. I find it very difficult to eat right, and have good portions when he can eat whatever and not gain a pound. So in some ways I agree with Ashley. However he recently came to me asking me if we can work together eating better, and working out! I'm very happy, for it will be so much easier to reach my goal, and will be very good for both of us. |
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JoeMS
Posts:41
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| 01/11/2010 3:11 PM |
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If your guy has tried the typical methods you might consider this information. It is from a source I've found quite helpful.
Food Addiction and Stress Eating Mechanism Identified [excerpt]
http://www.wellnessresources.com/weight/articles/food_addiction_and_stress_eating_mechanism_identified/
By experimenting with mice that were bred to have no sweet taste ability, a direct link of food intake to pleasure has been identified for the first time. This mechanism is important because it links food acquisition directly to addictive or stress-related eating “solutions.”
The researchers found that sugar could activate the pleasure center in the brain even though the mice could not taste it. They demonstrated the activation of dopamine, which is the reward aspect of eating – an important survival mechanism. However, all addictive patterns use this same brain circuitry to stop the feeling of emotional pain or a tired head (uncomfortable head sensations).
[note medicine for ADHD increases the availability of dopamine in the brain.] |
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wjr1991
Posts:232
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| 01/26/2010 9:35 AM |
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Ok, so... might I ask you married/older ladies when his appearance becomes an issue? As in, is his appearance something you only notice when it's gone galley-west? I think it's quite interesting that a lot of (Christian, at least) teen girls are quite primed to go off about how "looks don't matter"... did you used to think the same thing?
I'm just curious what the older (empirically speaking... I'm almost 19, so if you're 21+, you're old) ladies have to say about it. |
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Sable747
Posts:1
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| 03/06/2010 10:12 PM |
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| I just had to echo that I also feel uncared for as I've seen my husband gain 30lbs in 3 years of marriage. I quickly realized nagging didn't work. We ran a race together, but then after it was over had lost momentum for training. My hubby has a serious chronic health issue that slows his metabolism, but I want him to be around for a long time and worry when he starts a quick fix diet. I tried to be a good example and lost 20 lbs with heathier eating. I was sad it was not a journey he was interested in doing together. He's also very sedentary and rarely suggests the play activities mentioned in the book. Yes, guys are visual, but a beer gut does not scream sexy. Especially, when I'm working so hard at it and it causes me anxiety about our future. I'm seriosly not sure how to communicate this to him without making him sensitive about performance/ failure. Honestly, it would be a huge temptation right now for me to look at other guys make an effort? Shanti, or other wives, pls help. |
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Mary Jo
Posts:6
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| 03/24/2010 9:53 AM |
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| Hubby and I both need to lose weight. Honestly, his weight gain doesn't make him less attractive to me. I was a plus sized woman when he married me and have stayed in that range most of my adult life. How hypocritical would I be to get on my husband - who was seriously fit when we met having been a year-round athlete in high school - for his weight when I've struggled with mine since before we met!
Recent issues have arisen that are driving both of us to try and make better choices. We are in our 40's he has developed a severe snoring problem that is affecting his breathing (this is a recent development and our research has shown that such a thing can be weight related) and we both want to get healthier as we enter our "later years". It's not about a particular weight or size.
Hubby and I have both read FMO/FWO as well as The Five Love Languages and he knows that my love language is Time. As a way of dealing with the need to get more exercise and the chance to spend time with me, he has suggested that we start taking walks together around our neighborhood. He has also cut out all soda and this man was a SERIOUS mountain dew junky! We've not done anything drastic to our eating yet. We've exchanged white bread for whole grain bread, regular pasta for whole grain pasta, increased our water consumption, etc. If the issue of his weight does come up and he wants my opinion, I try to answer in a way that makes it clear how much I love him first of all. Then I talk about the fact that we BOTH need to start making better choices so that the extra weight we are now carrying doesn't affect our health. I want to share many more years with him and the only way to make that happen is for both of us to get healthier! |
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Klanae
Posts:1
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| 02/10/2011 11:16 PM |
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I know this is bringing up an old topic, but I can't seem to find a direct answer on how to discuss or address this issue with my future husband. We've been dating for about three years now and have just recently become engaged. He is a godly, amazing man whom I couldn't imagine living life without!
While I love him dearly and respect so many aspects about him, I struggle in the area of how he keeps up his apperance. This is mostly in the issue of weight, which I believe also ties into how he dresses at times. He used to be a "muscle man" back in his highschool years, but after a shoulder problem, has let himself go in the weight area. I have only ever known him in the way he is now and I am very attracted to him, but I wish he would at least try to stay healthy. When reading the entire FWO book, I totally agreed with all that Shaunti said, but when I read the chapter on how we as women are to look for our mate, I so wished my fiance could have read it with those words as my thoughts.
Again, I love him regardless of his weight. I know it makes him feel insecure and I think he knows how it makes me feel (I've struggled before in trying to explain my feelings...just like the book says guys struggle in doing with their girls). I dislike the feeling that I get when I see him pick up the doughnut, since he's started and forgotten (or just given up) countless diets. I just want to be there to encourage him and do anything possible to get improvement for him in this area! For him to just even strive little by little in this issue would make me feel appreciated and loved. If anyone has any suggestions, that would be wonderful. Thank you! |
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