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tendai
Posts:2
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| 05/22/2008 11:45 AM |
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| how do i get over unfaithfulness of my husband with a so called friend who was a workmate. even though he says they are friends but their communication is way above that and he would rather shout at me about her than tell her to back-off. recently i found out that he stayed at her place when he visited the city she stays in. he denies but i have evidence. i want to forgive him but it keeps coming in my head. i am now scared to trust him. i now believe i mean very little to him but my main problem is i love him. i know all these other women will never stay should anything bad happen to him or he loses his job. i would. |
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tim
Posts:1
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| 05/25/2008 8:05 PM |
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Anesu - sorry to hear you are going through this. Before I answer you honestly, I have to tell you I was unfaithful to my wife for many years - I struggled with homosexuality; having said that, you may not want to read the rest of my post. I am a Christian and I know most of the Christian world just can't believe Christian men would ever struggle with something so "perverse" ~ but here I am, by the grace of God, still married to my loving wife and very thankful for it. I still struggle emotionally at times but I have remained faithful. My wife still struggles at times with what I have done but we are consistently working through this and understanding each other more and more. To God alone ~ through and because of the GOSPEL of JESUS CHRIST ~ be the GLORY!
Answer: my wife could do nothing to help me. First of all, I had to want to love God and her more than sin. Secondly, men know men better than our wives ~ I had (and still have) some great men at church who could confront me with my sin and challenge me in loving my wife. When other men got in my face and challenged me (lovingly, Christlike) to be the man God called me to be and then my own conscience pricked me, it was hard not to humble myself and confess what a dead beat husband I was (still feel like I am sometimes). This might be a challenge for you ~ to let something like this go out of your hands and into the hands of Godly men who can hold your guy accountable for the biblical command "husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church." Sounds to me like your fear has you consumed ~ your life has got to be more than him. Your security has got to be in Christ, not your husbands actions. Is he a true believer? If so, there is hope that as you pray for him and for men to be able to speak truth into his life that God will convict him. If he's not a Christian, all you can do is turn this guy over to God ~ He can do far more than you, trust me. God takes very seriously the command for husbands to be faithful to their wives and He will look out for you. Malachi 2:13 - 16 says:
Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
I would encourage you to give your fears to God; though they are legitimate I would imagine they can be an excuse for your husband to harden his heart toward you in this area (sounds like his heart is pretty hard anyway.) It doesn't take much to blind us guys sometimes. Trust God ~ When a man vows before God to take care of a woman forever, God hold him responsible to do just that. Can you trust that God knows how to bring your husband to repentance? I couldn't think of any relationship that was more messed up than mine but God proved Himself very great and merciful. He continues to change me and my heart toward my wife. I am FAR from perfect but I serve God who is perfect and loves me and my wife. Apart from Him, I would have killed myself, or just walked out on my wife and kids for discouragement and fear that I could never change. Keep trusting God - with Him, all things are possible. |
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tendai
Posts:2
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| 05/27/2008 1:43 AM |
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| thank you. you really helped me. fear is consuming me you are right but will focus more on God. whenever you can please pray for me.i need trust restored coz now i am very far from trusting. i now dont even believe in love. |
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George
Posts:1
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| 05/31/2008 4:35 PM |
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| good afternoon ms unfaithfulness. I guess I would begin by giving you the advise my wife took, that put me on track after cheating on her several times during the first fifteen years we were married. She left me, took the kids, got a restraining order, served me divorce papers at work, and my world crumbled down. It was this realization that I needed to change to save what I really wanted, my family and my wife. She emotionally divorced me, and it has taken me 23 years since then to get her interested in trying to work on our marriage again. I had to be broken. Get mad, get tought, Dr Clark writes a good book, ( dont love you anymore, the title) my wife read, she said helped her the most. Be tough, you deserve a man to love you as Christ loved the Church. Fight for your rights, Biblical rights as well, you have the choice. Good Luck.Geo |
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mitchikoi
Posts:8
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| 06/23/2008 2:51 AM |
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Just want to share this story..
10 Ways to Keep Intimacy in your Marriage
By Anna Sobrepeña
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 04:49:00 05/11/2008
MANILA, Philippines - I remember standing at the altar on my wedding day, wondering if it would be downhill from there on. How could I love the man beside me more than I did at that moment?
It was an apprehension that came from facing the unknown. A well-meaning friend had tried to dissuade me from binding myself for life to someone who was on the other end of the pendulum.
She was right. We were very different from each other in many ways. Even Feng Shui practitioners said we were not compatible.
So how to account for the last 24 years of marriage which have been the best years of my life?
We've picked up learnings along the way and we're still at it, discovering avenues to make life for better and not for worse.
This is hardly a comprehensive list but doable and bite-size efforts go a long way for a happy togetherness till death do us part.
1. Keep a weekly appointment with each other. Friday was date night after we got married. It became Tuesday when the babies started coming and was adjusted over the years depending on the demands of a growing family and his increasing responsibilities at work. But we protected this time even if we were together everyday. It was downtime to watch a movie or give each other back rubs or a foot massage. Other times, we discussed things that needed to be done like house maintenance or vacation plans. Knowing I had this weekly venue freed me from nagging about a repair that need to get done or calculating the best time to bring up a sensitive issue.
2 Share thoughts. Besides doing things together, we talked about the experience. It keeps us in touch with each other's thought life. We have animated discussions on movies, books, current events and homilies. Things happen to us during the day when we are apart. During the evening, we fill each other in on what happened and reflections we may have had. He talks about the latest successful microfinance initiatives and his continued hope that things can get better for this country. I tell him about a new restaurant and the amazing local chef who is on par with the world's best. Besides bringing one another into each other's day, we develop a communication skill that enriches not just the one speaking but also the listener.
3 Read the same page. There is some effort to build commonalities beyond what we normally share. Chito comes home with magazines and articles he finds interesting and shares these with me. He marks items in the morning papers and leaves it in my work space for me to read at leisure. I prop him up in bed to listen to the latest poem that thrilled me. We forward e-mails we find worthwhile to spend some precious moments on.
4 Speak gently. Modulated voices encourage listening to each other. One decibel higher can trigger a negative response. We have had to learn nuances in language that affect each other. I remind him that his management style of giving instructions sounds like he is talking to his secretary and not his wife. He will pause in the middle of a conversation to clarify if I am angry because my responses appear terse.
Timing is also important. Chito is a morning person whose faculties are astute the moment he opens his eyes. I wind up slowly and need my morning hug before taking in his list of things to do for the day.
Most importantly, the way we speak to each other and the way we speak of each other conveys, not just to one another but also to our children, household staff or anyone within hearing distance, respect or lack of it. Respect establishes the person and accords dignity that enables one to be their best selves.
5 Do things together. There are some things we both enjoy like spending hours in a book store, watching a play or cheering at our son's basketball tournament, even if our understanding of the game is limited to getting the ball into the correct basket. On some occasions we will do things that the other likes. He likes watching Tagalog films. I get a high on symphonic performances. We go to both and get an education in what we might never have ventured to learn on our own.
6 Wear something nice. The children used to ask when they were younger where I was going when they saw me dressing up. I told them their daddy was coming home and I was preparing to look nice for him when he walked through the front door. Besides being a pleasing sight, it also made me feel good about myself. The most important person in my life was the one I slept with at night and woke up beside with in the morning. The way I looked was one way I conveyed my regard for him.
When we were newly married, I promised myself never to go around in curlers or use dusters. I had lounge wear and lovely night clothes. Some months after, he arrived from a trip abroad excited to show his pasalubong. I was aghast to see him unfurl three shapeless, cotton garments and asked him what those were. He replied happily, "Duster 'to. Wala ka kasing duster." It turns out he liked the duster on women and I have since added a few into my wardrobe.
7 Give gifts. I have a photograph of my husband precariously leaning to pick wild flowers on the roadside. He had asked the driver to take the picture to show the lengths he went to bring those to me. It was certainly more precious than the washing machine he told me to buy for my birthday present. His efforts counted more than the cost of the laundry device. One of the things he most appreciated from me was the soundtrack of a Tagalog film he liked. I had it reproduced from the studio of the film company, designed the packaging and sat with him to listen to the music. Gifts can convey how special a person is.
8 Hug. Smile. Cuddle. Laugh together. Litter the day with gestures that affirm each other. Touch each other constantly with hands and eyes, notes and text messages. Morning rituals like rolling into his arms when he wakes up, or hugging skin to skin after a shower have been starting off our days well and brings pleasant anticipation of homecoming at the end of the day.
9 Share meals. Some of the most important decisions and agreements have been made over the dinner table. Dining is meant to be pleasurable. It is done at leisure in relaxed circumstances. Lectures and unpleasant subject matter is discouraged. Serving palate pleasers is an important factor. I claim no culinary giftedness but I work with the cook to make sure that we have good food. We aim for a new recipe once a week. Once when we had foreign guests, my husband remarked how pleased he was when we entertain visitors from abroad because I served Filipino food. That was my cue to put in more local fare over my fancy menus.
10 Remember the spouse is not the enemy. We do not always agree on things but cultivating a mind set that we are on the same side helps to keep discussions reasonable. In the end, after we have listened to each other and still do not agree, I let him win. My husband's equanimity is more important to me than being right about anything, whether it is taking the Edsa route over the C5 road or deciding when to build the vacation house.
Most often, it is not a matter of right or wrong but of preference and in the end, we both win because giving in brings out magnanimity on his part and we become generous with each other. In the end, curling up with a good book doesn't come close to having someone who laughs at your jokes, rubs your soles and finishes what's left of a coke.
(The author is the editor of Lifestyle Asia and wife to banker Chito Sobrepeña.)
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" We can be happy anytime once we understand that the only place we'll ever find genuine happiness....is right inside us. Happiness begins at the point of acceptance: the point when we stop questioning why life can't be perfect and just accept the world the way it is.."  |
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mitchikoi
Posts:8
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| 06/23/2008 3:03 AM |
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| start by answering this question...do i deserve the treatment my husband is giving me?...if yes, continue living with him and start accepting the truth that this could be your life, from this day onwards...if no, answer this...what are the options available and doable to me and my children? evaluate all options, think, feel, choose...start with what you can do.....for sure this will be very tough considering that you've been dependent in him, but i believe na you have the capacity to assess, decide and live that decision....pray.....and live that prayer, God is always with you...... I admire ur strength.... |
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" We can be happy anytime once we understand that the only place we'll ever find genuine happiness....is right inside us. Happiness begins at the point of acceptance: the point when we stop questioning why life can't be perfect and just accept the world the way it is.." |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 06/29/2008 11:01 PM |
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I would say that contrary to what our culture would have you think, marriage is NOT about personal happiness. Do you deserve to be cheated on and neglected? Of course not. But my suggestion is to seek counseling, find out if a temporary (temporary = with the intention of healing and coming back together) separation is doable and whether or not it would be helpful.
Don't jump ship without trying each and every possible method of healing for your marriage. Trust me, my own marriage almost fell apart more than once. I think the only way you will be able to live with yourself without asking "what if" is to tackle EVERY possibility.
Julie
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ryonn
Posts:15
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| 07/06/2008 8:04 AM |
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tendai, that must be hurtful..
but just never stop loving him okay, as well as believing in love.
Love is part of humanity 
And, I just want you to know that we all listen (Actually read in this case) Thus, if you still have things to say/share feel free to pour out everything here.
Well, people, just want to know your comment.
Practically from her case, is it a good idea to ask the following?
"Honey, is there something that I can improve for you? Please be honest as I want to be your best wife"
Perhaps the second sentence is too poetic. But I as a male imagine that kind of question could really increase my love-meter by a lot, since it shows that she is interested to be better just for me...
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sugarbabe
Posts:1
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| 07/07/2008 6:55 PM |
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If he has all ready cheated with this woman and still remains friends with her, I feel that you have a right to ask him not to have anything to do with this woman. You also need to see if he will go to counseling. You need to get this resolved. I am a christian woman, I believe in staying together (too many turn to divorce instead of trying to heal) but in the same breath, if he is not willing to resolve this issue and work it out together I don't believe in living in a bad relationship. That wouldn't be healthy for either of you. It won't be easy and you will hurt for a very long time and trust will be difficulty but if you work together love can overcome anything.
Good luck and God bless
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 07/08/2008 10:23 PM |
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I'd even go so far as to say that you have a right to insist that he seek counseling with you. And a temporary separation may not be a bad idea, as long as it is done with the help of counselors and church leadership, and it is done with the intention of getting back together, not of divorcing.
And yes, you definitely have the right to insist that your husband has no more contact with that woman!
My advice is not even consider divorce, however, until you've exhausted every avenue of healing. My marriage nearly fell apart a number of times and now I have a great relationship with my husband. I'm really glad I didn't automatically jump ship.
-Julie
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Terri
Posts:2
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| 09/25/2008 11:29 AM |
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I tried to seek counseling with my husband when he cheated but he refused and his behavoir only got worse. He wanted the divorce to be free to date 20 year old girls. He also was adicted to porn and still is. Our divorce was final last year. He told our oldest son that there was no reason to get married unless you want to have children. Women are only good for one thing. My oldest son is a Christian and he and his girlfriend believe in waiting until they are married to have sex. He showed the 10 year old boy porn to "make him a man". Then one of the women he was dating moved in with him and started texting "I love you" to my 10 year old. He cried and was very upset. I tried to talk to them to get them to appreciate what the 10 year old was going through. They both yelled at me and told me that everyone could love him which was not my point. The child just went through his parents divorce and this woman had only seen him about 7 times. Their next response was to go to his mom's and take our youngest son and have family photos of them together and remove any pics of me with our kids and replace them with her. They gave the child copies of these photos which he tore up and threw in the trash. He cried every time he had to go over there. He said she was always hugging him and telling him she loved him. Fortunately he broke up with her. Unfortunately for my son, it happened on their vacation and he called me in the bathroom of their hotel crying because they were fighting. They were 10 hours away so I could not get to him. I had to talk him through it. He got in trouble for talking to me when he was on "dad" time. My ex does not understand why his son avoids his phone calls and does not return his calls. He only sees him about once a month which is a good thing. There are less tears. This woman had teenage daughters and apparently there were some issues there. She is better off without him. He dumped her off at her mom's and took all of her clothes and her car. I am sure a court case with ensue regarding that one. He hit his 40's and just went a bit nuts. But he had decided that he was not a Christian and I think that sums up everything. |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/27/2008 5:22 PM |
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Yeah, if your husband decided he's not a Christian, then that really does sum it all up. You can't force someone to care, and you can't force them to do the right thing when they don't share the same values that you do. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you and your children. I hope your son can find some healing and move forward with his life. It sounds like you're helping him to do that.
-Julie
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