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Wlong
Posts:3
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| 01/08/2009 3:07 PM |
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| I am in the military and my job takes me away for months at a time. I have been home now for about 2 months and we had a talk and she explained to me that I wasn't showing her any affection. I took that as a sign and started showing her affection. She persisted to tell me that I was doing too much and wanted me to back off, so I did. Now I get that I have stopped. We have been together for 7 years and married for 4 1/2 years, I read the book for men only and it gave me some insite into what I need to do, but I started sending her text messages telling her that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have her as my wife and telling her how beautiful she is, but she doesn't seem to receptive of it. I am trying to show her the affection she needs, but at the same time I am trying not to over do it or not do it enough. Most of the time, I am meant with rejection and that hurts, because I am trying to make her happy. I am the bread winner in the house and sometimes I don't want to go out because it's just impossible to afford it, but now she is the one who is complaining about money and telling everyone else that I am the one doing it. I want to show her the book that I read so she can see that I am trying to get our relationship back on track, but at the same time I want her to read the for women only book because I have both, but don't want to be pushy or demanding of it. Is there anyone who can help me so I don't lose the woman that I love so much. |
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Desire1996
Posts:3
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| 01/15/2009 11:40 PM |
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You are being really patient. That's great! My humble suggestion is that you tell her that you love her and want to have a successful marriage. You want her to be happy. Ask her if you can take a night and ask each other questions and give honest answers. My boyfriend and I put ten questions each in a hat, and then pull a question out of the hat. Each of us has to answer the question honestly. We do this to open up discussion and to clear the air. He or I cook or we order in. Otherwise, have you thought of going to a counselor, religious or otherwise?
Blessings and Good Luck!
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Princess
Posts:11
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| 01/23/2009 5:41 PM |
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I like Desire's suggestion - may try that myself.
Granted, I don't know everything, but DH and I struggle with this frequently - he says I love you, and I say, "I know that, but I don't KNOW that." I read a little bit of "for men only", and it is exactly right - I may know it in my head, but I don't FEEL loved. When I get to that point, I am mean, sometimes to the point of verbally abusive to DH. For men only even helped clear it up to ME - I am testing DH. I am looking to see if he really does love me and if I really am lovable. The ironic thing is when I act that way and he sticks it out, it does not make me feel more loved - just guilty.
After reading your post, it sounds as though you may not be speaking her "language." If you haven't read The FIve Love Languages by Gary CHapman, I highly recommend it. Maybe she is more concerned about gifts (even a card or a poem copied out nicely counts) or acts of service (helping with the kids or around the house.) When DH tries to show me love by using his language, it does get annoying to me. His "words of affirmation" come across as scripted or "saying it just because you HAVE to."
I agree, you are being very patient. My (personal) recommendations? Figure out her love language (what does she complain about) and try to love her that way. You don't have to go out to spend time together. Go on a walk/hike. Check online and see if there are free concerts (when the weather warms up) and attend those. Rent a movie and snuggle on the couch.
As far as her reading the book - if you have a couple friend, recommend the for men only book to him and see if he will ask his wife to read it - she may just recommend it to your wife next time your wife complains to her. Let her see you reading for men only. Engage her in a discussion about it - hey, I just read that women know they are loved, but don't feel it. That's interesting, because it doesn't work that way for me. Could you explain more about how that works? Leave for women only sitting on her dresser or the kitchen counter - you can always say you were reading it to see if the author "got it right" (make sure you do, so it's not a lie.) You can even use the same approach with that book. Wow - Shaunti says this applies to most men - I thought it was only me!
(Sorry about the novel here - I got excited about the topic.) Prayers and best of luck to you! |
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