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Sandra S
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| 05/05/2010 9:18 PM |
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| So, after reading the notorious "Visual Rolodex" chapter, I have to wonder... Say, my husband and I are out on a date, and I've looked forward to this day all week. It's my one day out on the town with my husband--no work, no kids, just us. We get to the restaurant, and we have an attractive waitress. My husband, according to chapter 6, instantly notices her, and is now aware of her every location. So, armed with this new information, as soon as I'm made aware of how attractive the help is, our date is ruined. I know that he's not fully attentive to me, his mind--and eyes--are elsewhere. What's the point of ever going anywhere with my husband again? He's clearly not bonding with me. Is he even paying attention to anything I'm saying? Maybe he had a great time, but perhaps he had a great time, because he feels he's sufficiently impressed the waitress (who most likely hardly noticed anything about him except for his meal, and the tip we left). At any rate, at the end of the date, I'm left feeling unattractive, unloved, and not even worthy of my own husband's attention(the one man whose attention I'm supposed to have).
Also, if he's always going to notice attractive women no matter what I do, remind me again what the point of dressing attractively is (not to mention that I'll be gaining the unwanted attention of other male passerbys)? Personally, if I lose my husband because I wasn't pretty enough, then he's simply not worth the effort.
I really wish I had read this book before I got married. I would have never gotten married. The greatest man on earth--with his visual rolodex--is not worth the pain. |
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readinmom
Posts:4
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| 05/10/2010 11:15 PM |
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| I'm with you. My life has become empty and hopeless since reading this book. I can't stand the thought of going anywhere with my husband. He says he wants to take me out, and my stomach immediately knots up. When we are out, I constantly size up those around us wondering if he will be attracted to them. I convince him I don't want any gifts for ANYTHING because I don't want him out shopping without me. Watching television feels like walking through a mine field. And as more time goes by and I continue to watch his attention drawn, I have realized that I can't even hold onto my memories of happy times. While "we" were having fun at Disney World, what was HE having fun imagining about all the cutesy, summer-dressed women around us? etc The rest of my life stretches out before me as endless days of stomach-twisting pain. |
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Healingfromhurt
Posts:15
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| 06/07/2010 3:37 AM |
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Posted By Sandra S on 05/05/2010 9:18 PM
Also, if he's always going to notice attractive women no matter what I do, remind me again what the point of dressing attractively is (not to mention that I'll be gaining the unwanted attention of other male passerbys)?
I've wondered the same thing and have come to the conclusion that the point of dressing attractively is for myself. I feel better about myself when I know I'm put together well. My self-esteem already takes a beating from fully knowing and noticing that I won't ever have my husband's full attention. So I try to do things within my control, like dressing attractively, to help ME feel better about myself.
There is a fine balance though that I'm still wrestling with and that is the point that you brought up. Dressing attractively (and I really mean dressing attractively, not sexily or provocatively) can promote unwanted attention from other males. I often find this unnerving, especially if the males are with their female partners, since I know firsthand how the female partner is feeling if she's noticed her guy's wandering eye. So what to do??
Don't dress attractively so you get less unwanted attention from other male passerbys and preserve the feelings of other females, but sacrifice feeling good about yourself.
OR
Dress attractively so you feel better about yourself, but you may get unwanted male attention and their female partners may feel bad.
As I said, I go back and forth on this, but my husband isn't even a factor for me because I can't keep his attention anyways no matter what I do.
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Ruby
Posts:5
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| 08/27/2010 4:56 AM |
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I'm with you, ladies. Please bear with me, this is going to be long and it's not even half of what I have to say.
I got both For Women Only and For Men Only at the same time and decided to read FMO before reading FWO. I wanted to make sure the information being given to men about us, women, was accurate before delving into what they had to say about men. The good thing about doing this is that I was able to trust the information about FWO and learn a lot about men that can - and probably will - improve my marriage and communication with my husband. The HUGE downside, however, is that Chapter 6 has turned my life into a nightmare in the past few days. I can completely relate to your feelings, ladies, everything from not feeling like going out with my husband anymore to re-framing everything from our past into this perspective. I feel sick to my stomach and going back and forth between feelings of anger and depression.
More importantly, for those of you who haven't read FMO, they explain how us women, in turn, are wired in such a way that we always have several different things running through our minds at once, by using an analogy with a computer running several different programs, while old documents are open, while being infested with spyware that causes unwanted pop-ups to show up all the time and how we can't shut down these windows until the issue (or though or feeling involved) is resolved. (On a side note, this is similar to their wiring as in we have little control over this, but aren't men just lucky that this wiring doesn't leave them feeling worthless and unloved? Just saying..)
Anyway... It is true that we are wired in such a way, so guess what? Since apparently this is how they are wired and can't help it or change it, that issue is NEVER going to be resolved, so this "window" is going to be open in my brain forever or, if I'm lucky, for a very, very long time. Now I am CONSTANTLY aware of this and to make matters worse, my husband is military and is away from home frequently, sometimes for months in a row. It's just my luck that right now, as I read these 2 books, he's away in a 45 day assignment in another state, which means he goes out to dinner pretty much every night, either on his own or with other men. Now, imagine my complete disgust, now not only wondering, but knowing for sure this is going on all the time over there!! It's pretty much all I can think about. The once lovely thoughts of "I wonder what he's doing right now", or "I wonder if he's having a nice day" have turned into something else entirely and believe me, it's less than sweet, if you know what I mean. It's plain and utter disgust. Sure, I have no doubt that my husband is completely in love with me and that his wiring doesn't affect his love for me. That's all fine and dandy, but doesn't make this male fact one little bit easier to swallow.
There are lots of good insights and wonderful advice in this book that I thought I would, and probably should, concentrate on instead. But this piece of information is so disturbing it left me feeling empty and not so much willing to put in the effort into a lot of things. Mind you, I am among the exception according to the surveys, I am the wife who wants sex all the time and I take such good care of myself I sometimes think it borders the annoying. It used to be both for myself and for him, but like someone said above, I find myself still taking care of myself, dressing nicely and looking beautiful but it no longer has anything to do with him. It's all about how I want to feel about myself. Maybe trying to fill the hole created by this extremely hurtful fact.
I actually have a lot more to say about this, but this is long already, so I'm just going to mention this one story: I am usually very unaware of my surroundings. I do notice guys looking at me even if I'm not dressed in a provocative way, but only when it's blatant. My husband has told me more than once before that every man looks at me everywhere we go (which, to my surprise, doesn't seem to bother him, he says it makes him feel proud!  ). I am 38 y.o., but I look A LOT younger, most people think I'm 25/27 and men tend to find me very attractive. I have always dismissed this comment from my husband as something he was just saying to make me feel good or an effort to compliment me, but after reading (or, rather, listening to, I got the audiobook) chapter 6, I realized he might have been more true to the facts than I realized. So I decided to put it to the test. I wore normal clothes (jeans and a regular tank top, nothing too sexy by any means), wore my usual makeup (again, nothing flashy, just a very natural look) and headed to our favorite restaurant by the beach for a meal, but this time I was committed to paying close attention to my surroundings.
Well, ladies... What I saw and realized not only confirmed the survey results, but added to my disgust tenfold. This is a restaurant, like I said, by the beach. It's very laid back and there are 2 places where people play volleyball and by "people" I mean, while I was there, there were 4 women in playing in bikinis. So I was hardly the woman showing more skin in this place. Well... As soon as I walked in, I was able to realize first hand what they mean when they say men are instantly aware of the woman's presence. I feel sick to my stomach even by the memory of it. I proceeded to find a table (there was no hostess, thank God!) and from my table on the deck I have witnessed in complete disbelief how pretty much every men, with few exceptions, not only were aware of my presence, but lingering their eyes towards me when they thought I wasn't looking (I had my sunglasses on) or their partners weren't looking.
This included an older man apparently in his early 50s with his wife sitting across from my table who glanced at me every time she wasn't looking and it made me feel like I wanted to crawl under the table. I actually walked away for a while because this was making me uncomfortable. I felt complete compassion for his wife who, by the way, couldn't muster a smile all the time I was there, including when he was trying to make her smile for a picture - which, by the way, he made her switch positions for and I ended up included in the picture. When he wasn't glancing at me, he and his buddy who got there a few minutes later were "watching the volleyball game", while discreetly exchanging looks between them. You know the look...
The other one was a young newly wed man (and the only reason I know this is because I heard him and his wife talking to the waitress about it), who stared at me for several seconds as they walked in on their way to their table. There were more examples, but you get the picture.
Meanwhile, ALL these men were ALSO constantly either glancing or staring at the 4 women playing volleyball and let me warn you, their sunglasses come in very handy, ladies! Their wives didn't notice (or pretended not to notice), but I sat there, jaw dropped an a knot in my stomach, witnessing the whole thing. I've seen my husband do that before, so it's not like I was completely oblivious to he "sun glasses strategy", but to see so many men doing this just felt completely wrong!
In the end, at sunset, I decided walked on a ramp too take a picture of the ocean with the sun in the background. This other guy walks by and says "Beautiful". I said "Excuse me?" and he replied "It's going to be a beautiful picture". In the past I would have dismissed this as a completely innocent comment. Now after watching that (apparently single) man watch me all the time I was there, I'm inclined to realize this is, probably, hardly the case. Now I was wearing my sun glasses and watched out of the corner of my eyes how he turned his head as he walked away to catch one more glance from my waist down and all I could think about was the meeting example and how he was probably undressing me with his eyes. 
I stayed there for less than an hour, I started feeling like my very presence there, no matter how low profile I thought it was, had the serious potential to hurt other fellow women and I also couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my own husband is one of these men in any given situation. Did I mention the word disgust? 
I don't know how to come to terms with, so in the meantime, please forgive my need to vent!
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lonestar
Posts:1
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| 08/29/2010 5:01 PM |
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| Words in a book have never hurt me so badly, the only thing I took away from reading this book is All men are pigs and they always will be. |
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Annita
Posts:2
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| 10/28/2010 12:03 AM |
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Ladies, I have found the answer to this awfully painful problem!! My reply is long, but please read it in case my solution might apply to you, and tell me what you think! My first response to these posts was “I thought I was the only one who felt like this!” I felt no comfort, however, from knowing that other women feel just as hurt and sick as I did, so I prayed and prayed and prayed, seeking an answer from God to this question: "God, what the HECK did you create him like this for??? Didn't you know how badly this would hurt women and how much horrible pain it would cause them?? If I had known this from the beginning I would never have gotten married to anyone – no matter how amazing he may be!"
I had felt sick and depressed ever since I finished reading FWO and could not look at my husband like I once did. I felt hurt and awfully miserable, and felt like I was just another good looking object to him – although I literally have the most incredible husband who treats me like a QUEEN and would do anything for me! I could not help but feel this way having this new fact prodding at me constantly.
So I started typing out my frustration and disgust until I came to a realization of something: I have the same problem he does, but in a different way. After figuring that out I feel such relief from those horrible feelings of depression and ugliness and feel so much more at ease, as I now actually and fully understand his struggle.
The following is what I originally began to write as a reply. You will notice that it is like a “monologue” as I was simply typing out what I was feeling and what came to mind. I did not change or add anything. I do hope this helps someone!
“I totally feel the same way!! Chapter 6 was the main thing I got from this book and it has been bothering me like nothing has ever bothered me before...I mean, to know that my man, my best friend whom I trust with all my heart and all my life, who loves me to death and is committed to me no matter what, looks at and thinks about other women makes me sick to my stomach. He is the most incredible man in the world, but I feel betrayed, ugly, disgusting and heartbroken. I used to think I am decent looking, and although many people tell me that I am quite attractive (and so does he!) I truly think I am so ugly. I really don't know how to take this information in or how to respond to it in a healthy way. I know he is desperately in love with me and wants to be with me only, and he shows me his love, but I feel so unloved because I know I am not the only woman who has his attention :'( We are very open to each other, but I don't know how to bring this up without sounding needy or accusative...I love him dearly, with all my heart, but I hate the fact that his attention is divided and that I am not the only woman on his mind...that thought makes me so sick! And I agree with you, lonestar: words in a book have never hurt me so badly either. This is such a disturbing fact to be aware of and it makes me just want to die and go to heaven. I have tried to think of the female version of this struggle but there isn’t one! I can honestly say that he is the only one I have ever desired, and thoughts of other men do not tempt me…why do other women tempt him???!?
“Well, actually….that’s not true. I think there is a female version of the "visual rolodex." I need to be honest with myself…I actually have found myself thinking of other men. I find that sometimes when I meet a man who is nice and godly, or simply has desirable qualities and, sometimes even good looks or dresses well and takes care of himself, I find myself becoming attracted to him but not in a sexual way. I think it’s mostly emotional. In her book Shaunti says that men often don’t realize they are attracted to other women until after the thought “Dang, she’s hot” passes through their minds. I find that, in the same way, I often don’t realize I am attracted to another man until the thought “He’s so sweet and really cute…ohh lala.” passes through my mind. I usually immediately notice my wandering thoughts and do have to actually put some effort into removing them from my mind; otherwise I could easily fantasize about how “wonderful” that man is. Sometimes it’s easy, but other times it’s pretty darn hard. In her book, Shaunti says that men say their attraction to other women in no way diminishes their love and attraction to their own wives. I could never understand how that could be until just now…I know that, although I am prone and tempted to become emotionally attached to another man (in the same way that my husband is prone to be attracted to and fantasize about other women), I sincerely and honestly would never let my thoughts go so far as to actually become attached to a man other than my one love, my husband. I love my husband dearly and nothing could ever change that, unless I allow it to. No other man, no matter how charming, could change the way I feel towards my husband, unless I allow those sinful thoughts to make room for themselves and others in my mind. And the same goes for him. No other woman, no matter how sexy, could ever change the way he feels and thinks about me unless he allows those sinful thoughts to make their way further into his mind. The temptation to be attracted to someone other than your spouse is equally as strong for both genders; it simply manifests itself in different ways because God created us with different needs/roles. So of course, Satan has to try to ruin anything good and beautiful that God created, so he tries to use the characteristics God gave a man to bring him to his ruin, and the characteristics God gave to a woman to bring her to her ruin. And remember, ladies, that we live in a sinful world and all of us struggle with sin, but ultimately this struggle is not about us; it is about Satan trying to break the heart of God by destroying what is closest to His heart, and that is us: his people . Women and men really are in the same boat. We do get tempted by the same evil, but in ways tailored to us, depending on our characteristics as women or men, in order for failure on our part to be all the more likely.
"I guess I have found the answer to my question: I struggle with the same issue that my husband does. And the issue is simply being attracted to someone else; it doesn’t matter in which way temptation tries to lure (whether physically or emotionally). Both are equally as disgusting. Wow…I am actually quite stunned and oddly enough, I feel SO much better after realizing this. I thank God that He has opened my eyes to my own sinfulness so that I can understand my husband’s. I guess, like most people, I have always viewed a man’s temptation as evil and horrid, not even noticing my own! I truly hope this helped open someone’s eyes and ease a little pain.
With much love to all you ladies who feel/have felt this way,
Annita
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