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AL
Posts:1
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| 09/08/2008 5:07 PM |
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I need some advice how to respect my husband in situations like:
I've asked him to help me with a chore - like dishes or laundry. And he says He'll do it. So i'll walk away. but one week later, it's all still there, untouched.
I feel like i've tried everything. I've nagged him. I've tried to ignore it, but by the end of the week i'm totally annoyed and i start crying/yelling or i end up doing it myself (but i am letting him know that i'm doing it cuz he didnt). I know none of these are right - and obviously they haven't worked.
I dont want to disrespect him but I really feel like he wants me to do everything and he just wants to relax.
Is there anything I can do to get him to help me with the housework? I definately don't want him to do everything, just help me when he said he would. |
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Laurie
Posts:1
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| 09/15/2008 2:21 PM |
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I've been married for 23 years and I understand your frustration. It is hard when you work outside the home to be expected to come home and work endlessly too. As women, we tend to not be direct in what we ask our men to do, and when we do ask, they don't understand that we would like them to do it immediately. Men are wired differently than women. Try to understand that there are a lot of things pulling at his attention and when he gets home, he needs a safe place. Not only am I working outside the home, I'm taking college classes to hopefully finish my bachelors degree. I get tired of being expected to come up with a great meal every night in order to save money. I usually try to prepare an easy meal, or use the crockpot the morning before going to work to help ease the burden. After my husband gets home from work from his weekly job - Principle at a Christian school (he is also a bi-vocational pastor), he needs some down time. I have the kids work on their homework as soon as they get home, so that they can get it finished and then have their free time, which can include a nightly chore around the house. After my husband has had some down time, and we've talked about our day, and had dinner, he doesn't mind taking out the trash, or helping with dishes. I do take on most of the domestic chores since he is working two jobs - like laundry. If I left it up to him, most of my outfits would be ruined - not worth it. Remember that he doesn't need to be nagged. You're not his mother. If you treat him with love and respect, and pray for him, God will do the rest. Respect him because he is your husband, and because God has put him in the position to be the protector and provider, not just because you think he deserves respect. Find out what his love language is. Compliment him and make him feel appreciated for the work he does.  |
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Julie Fidler
Posts:172
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| 09/21/2008 10:07 AM |
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Try and take note of the things he DOES, that you actually like, and make sure you compliment him for those things, let him know what a valuable part of the family he is, etc. Think of things about him, his personality and such, that you like, and make sure he knows you're proud of those things.
Don't be surprised if he has a change of heart and starts trying to do more for you, because he covets the praise.
-Julie
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Forum Moderator
Project Specialist for Shaunti Feldhahn |
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NMLs
Posts:4
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| 10/09/2008 4:26 AM |
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I would suggest that if he could somehow see the value of it, it would help.
Perhaps it's simply not high on his list of values/priorities.
If a guy values something, chances are he'll do it. What's so rewarding about chores? What's rewarding or valuable about other things that he's doing instead? (Not in general, but to him) Sometimes just loafing around feels like a rewarding experience. Whether it is or isn't, it may feel that way.
Now, he associates chores with being nagged at. It's even less rewarding and even less of a reason to do them.
I'm not talking about bribing him, or giving him a gold star. I'm talking about, as silly as this sounds, making him feel like a hero for helping out, as well as other things he does.
If a guy is thinking "She's so proud of me! I'm the best!", he'll want to do it over and over.
We're ego driven that way. Or, at least that's what my inner-child of an ego says to me when I feel appreciated. |
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catha
Posts:4
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| 10/09/2008 4:49 PM |
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| you have to retrain him, here is an example, if he is out mowing the yard , just go out and help him with his work and show him your lives are team work, but dont tell him what you are doing (just show him) and he will start helping more. no man likes a nag, this new behaivor will turn you into a Cool Girl in his eyes. |
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ladysilverjay
Posts:2
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| 11/04/2008 5:15 AM |
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| I have just joined and I have relized that i have no respect for my husband, he is a recovering addict and I have no trust in him, nor can I forgive him for the things he has done. I want my marriage and I love him. I just need to learn to let go and learn to build up the respect I once had for him. addictions just kill marriages |
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Lee
Posts:0
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| 11/05/2008 7:55 AM |
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Posted By AL on 09/08/2008 5:07 PM
I need some advice how to respect my husband in situations like:
I've asked him to help me with a chore - like dishes or laundry.
I have got to ask, how long do the dishes and laundry sit undone? Weeks? |
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ryonn
Posts:15
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| 11/14/2008 11:17 AM |
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I really would like to know / read the next book of Shaunti (if any) about how to handle lazy husband/wife.
Well, I know that kind of things.. husband who is so lazy that he put off everything not only for weeks but months and years. And I'm kinda living with them.
You have to know what makes them lazy?
Maybe he was spoiled by his parents in childhood?
or he is used to have servants all around before?
or he has no more respect (not love) for you anymore?
In most cases, the 3rd reason is the main reason of why he is so lazy.
In my case, all the reasons are the answers.. haha. Very bad situation. It's not me, dont worry 
Say what, stay positive, be smart and remember to pray for him for the best from God.
Just believe that he will change someday.. but first, you have to change yourself.
He may be your husband, but for himself he is he. I am who I am.
Can you make him understand and kinda 'wake up from his long dream' to be responsible for all the chore and tasks? It requires 'celestial' wisdom and love though.. and time.. and effort.. and tears.. and commitment. |
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shutterbug99
Posts:9
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| 11/14/2008 3:25 PM |
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Buy him the book "For Men Only" and ask him to read the chapter on Windows. I had no idea myself.
Men don't instinctively know how important the little things are like dishes, taking out the trash, etc. to a woman. Often times men have the intent of taking care of what ever you asked, but we get sidetracked and forget.
Once I found out that these little things are important to my wife, I try to do them while they are fresh in my mind.
A word of advice... If he does the dishes, don't point out the one dish he missed. Also, if he's mowing the yard, take him a glass of tea. It's a nice gesture to show your thinking about him. |
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Dave
Posts:5
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| 12/18/2008 1:49 PM |
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As a husband, I kinda like the Boundaries in Marriage ideas by authors Cloud and Townsend.
Here's my paraphrase: Verbalize your expectation. Verbalize a consequence. Say them once, and make sure he's heard it (by asking him to repeat it back). Then stick with it.
EG:
I expect you home for supper by 6. If you aren't, we'll start without you, and yours will be sitting in the fridge.
Dishes: You've agreed to do them. If you don't, I won't have any clean for tomorrow, so I'll take the kids to a restaurant each meal until they're done.
Why not organize the chores together: dishes: you wash, I'll dry. It'll provide quality time and you'll get them done faster too. |
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Princess
Posts:11
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| 01/23/2009 5:50 PM |
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DH and I just discussed this last night after taking the printable surveys. (How lucky am I that he is willing to not only read for men only, but would take the survey and DISCUSS it all with me, too!!)
What we decided is that his priorities are simply different than mine. If I want something done in a certain time frame, I need to communicate that to him. It will end up being similar to Dave's comments. "Thanks for helping out by doing the dishes tonight. That will make it easier on me tomorrow morning." It gives me the chance to acknowledge the contribution he is making as well as stating my needs or desires to have it done in a certain time frame. In my DH's case, as long as we still had clean dishes somewhere, why bother washing the dirty ones? Same with laundry.
Not to compare men to children, but another thing that works well with my kids and MAY work with a spouse is to have a planning meeting. Either everyone is assigned a chore to keep the house running smoothly, or each person can choose. That person is responsible for that job all week. If it is a daily job (dishes), they need to complete it daily, if it is something like vaccuming, they need to have it completed by a certain deadline. But you do have to be willing to wait sometimes on that one. |
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