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MaryK
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| 10/29/2010 9:59 PM |
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| My husband and i have been married four years. A few weeks ago he confessed that he cheated on me. I do not wish to go into details, as it would take quite awhile to explain everything. However, he basically admitted that I have never been first on his priority list. He was going to leave. I told him that I could forgive him for cheating on me, and he says that being able to forgive me changed my standing in his eyes, and he will never be able to leave, or cheat again. My question is this-how do women overcome this? I have a hard time wanting to treat him well knowing that he's been with another woman. we have just started marriage counseling, but i could use some advice from some wives who have been in this situation. |
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Delilah
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| 11/01/2010 12:26 PM |
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MaryK, First and foremost, I am so sorry you are going through this. I just prayed for you and your husband and your difficult journey ahead. My husband and I experienced something similar just one year ago (we were also married four years when it happened).
There are two things specifically that should make you jump for joy (yes, I said jump for joy...about an affair). One is, please know how much of a blessing it is that your husband is being open and is willing to go to counseling. And the second thing, how AMAZING that you have the courage to forgive him, when it is so easy (in this culture/society) to think "how dare he!" and give up. You should be praised for decision to forgive him!
My husband and I read His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. and that helped tremendously. There is something to understanding what an affair means to both of you and what your basic needs are. I think we, as women take it so personally and frankly, you may never look at yourself or your marriage the same way again, because of this. But I assure you that you CAN be healed from this. It's so hard on some days and others you feel like things are great. Take each day in stride. Also, remember that your husband is probably not proud of his decision and bringing it up makes him ashamed. So when you need reassurance that he loves you and will never cheat again, he will probably not say that, because he doesn't want to keep acknowledging the pain that he caused you. He will be reluctant to talk about it for that same reason, because he's not going to understand that you may need to talk about it to heal. Make sure that you address these things with a counselor and not just your husband. You need a neutral party to keep the emotions from taking over.
The number one thing that got me through was my faith. I have never been closer to God in my life, than when I thought my marriage was falling at my feet. I had no choice but to just give it over and pray continuously. I prayed for my strength and endurance, but I also prayed that my husband would have the desire to change and the courage to make those changes.
Now, my next statement may sound ridiculous to any woman who has never experienced this, but I stand by it. I do not want this for anyone else, but for us, my husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage (please note that I said our marriage and not either one of us individually). I would NEVER want to relive it, but it shook us to our core and it made us both take a long, hard look at what we were willing to put into our marriage, rather than what we were wanting to get out of it (for our own personal gain).
Being one-year past that dark time in our marriage, I can promise you that there is healing. There will be a day when you don't even think about it once. It does not just disappear, but it certainly dissipates over time. I hate that this is our testimony, but I am confident that God will use it for his glory. If I can share our story to help someone else, then may God have all the glory for it. It is my prayer that you and your husband can use this time to get back to the basics and grow more than you ever even imagined in your marriage.
This is the scripture that carried me through those dark days.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
May He carry you through this too, MaryK. |
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MaryK
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| 11/04/2010 10:39 PM |
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| Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply-it definitely helps to hear encouragement from a woman who's been through it. It is definitely difficult at times, but I am lucky enough that my forgiving him has made him realize that his priorities were mixed up. We are working very hard to fix things, and I have every hope that we will be closer than before. I agree with you that as much as it hurts, it may well have been the best thing to happen to our marriage as well. I realize how lucky I am that I can say that, as for most people this is not the case. I am grateful that my husband is truely remorseful for his actions, and has been working incredibly hard to help me heal in any way he can. Thanks again for your words of encouragement. As a side note, to any other women out there who may be going through this difficult ordeal I highly recommend the book "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring. It has been monumental in my healing, more so than any other book I have read, and so far even more helpful than the therapist we've been seeing. Good luck to all, and best wishes. |
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