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Jacqs82
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| 01/07/2010 12:23 PM |
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Hi, I bought FWO yesterday and have already learned much about my husband (to whom I've been married for nearly 28years)
My upset has been caused by Chapter 6. I know, of course, that 'men are visual' and that it is normal for them to think about sex 'all the time'.... I had hitherto thought that the thoughts would be wife centred - however that seems not to be the case. Nevertheless that is between the Man and God.
What has upset me is the Doug scenario - you know, the men in a meeting can't take their eyes off a female colleague and the fact that thoughts of her and her sexual capabilities will come back to those male minds forever more....
PLEASE look at this from the poor woman's point of view.... this means that she is innocently doing her work, quite unaware that the men who are supposed to be her friends and workmates, are (and will continue to) lusting after her and imagining her naked etc.......... This fact is reiterated in the story about going to dinner at a friend's house - the friend being a pretty woman.
The thought that men I do not know, or worse still friends, might be decorating their fantasies with imaginations of me has made me feel - literally and physically sick. I never want to 'look nice' again. In fact, what I'd really like to do is shroud myself in a burka to be freed from this awful, unsolicited and repulsive attention.
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JoeMS
Posts:38
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| 02/16/2010 10:47 PM |
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Sick guys will still imagine what you might look like through the burka.
I find it helpful when women dress in a way that does not flaunt their figure. Otherwise guys start to think she is inviting him...
Please don't make it harder for us than it has to be. It can be quite distracting when a coworker dresses inappropriately. We are already bombarded with billboards, and a variety of advertisements on the net. You don't have to look like a Puritan, just don't flaunt what you have and most guys will be fine. |
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Mary Jo
Posts:6
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| 03/24/2010 9:40 AM |
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| My husband and I have had some very blunt discussions about this issue and he gave me what I believe is the most valuable piece of information in my arsenal. Hubby and I celebrated our 21st anniversary in January of this year and I will be bold enough to say that our physical relationship continues to be really satisfying and, despite the pounds I've put on, he continues to find me physically attractive. Now to the important information - he told me once that our years together and the physical relationship we have shared has allowed him to fill his mental rolodex with images of me. He admitted that he still had to be very careful and prayerfully guard his heart and mind when around other women but my efforts to make myself appealing to him have provided him with enough images to keep him from thinking of other women.
When we discussed the whole visual rolodex thing, he found it hard to believe that women don't do the same thing. He mentioned an actor I enjoy and said, "Do you mean to tell me a mental image of him has never just popped into your head?"
"No," I answered honestly.
"You know what he looks like."
"Of course I do. But I cannot bring a detailed image to mind without lots of effort. Even then, it's a general impression of the fact that he's handsome, not a detailed image of his physique."
My husband's response was simply, "Wow."
I think we women do men a great disservice to assume that noticing a beautiful woman automatically means they are lusting after her. It can become that with little effort I believe, but I don't believe that my husband automatically fantasizes about every woman he sees just because he notices that she is attractive. |
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nazarene
Posts:5
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| 07/10/2010 4:33 PM |
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Now you know why women in other countries, Islamic one's are required to dress modestly. It is not for the women in the culture but for the men. I am not into repression, and I think these rules are too strict.
I can see how this is a tough issue, women having to pay for a man's sins and tendency to lust and fantasize, or at least observe. Let's not forget, God must have made us this way for a reason. If both men and women only had receptive interest, the ball would never get going. If, in our culture, women dressed more modestly, I would be happier. Women would also be less insecure about their looks, I think. Even so, when a wife and husband meet each other's needs sexually and emotionally, I think this neutralizes a lot of the effects of culture. When these needs are not met, or worse, belittled, watch out.
yeah, other guys are going to undress you with their eyes, and remember you. I'm suprised that women just don't do this. I mean, I believe it, but I'm still processing it, and sometimes I can't believe it fully. But then I remind myself of receptive desire, as opposed to active/agressive. Hmm, a parallel- maybe women notice emotion in others and create an emotional rolodex, in the same way that men create a visual rolodex. But I am also aware emotionally if I want to be, so it's a bit different. I can easily recall emotions when I was paying attention.
Yeah, I'm single and I want to clear out my rolodex and fill it with pictures of my future wife. Josh Harris of covenant church is really good in this topic of sex, dating and courtship and he comes with a youthful energy. I am 28 and turning my thoughts to marriage, when it is God's will. So long as the guy feels desired and you work at staying attractive and being delightful to him, delightim him, he shouldn't stray. If he does, then he's truly sinful. But other men will- especially those who don't have such a wife- and you just have to accept this as the nature of the other gender and decide how you want to respond accordingly. This makes me wonder.. do people like Marlyn Monroe not even realize deep down why men are attracted to visuality? Women probalby like mystery, things left to the imagination. Men like nothing left to the imagination (and it's not because we are pigs). So therefore the more you leave things concealed, the less lusting and fantasizing there will be. |
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Julibeth
Posts:1
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| 07/23/2010 5:20 PM |
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| From FWO Pg. 123
"They make rigorous decisions to avoid unwanted visual invitaions, to turn away from those that arise, and--when unwanted pictures arise anyway--to rip them down with all sorts of diversionary tactics. I heard that mentally running through baseball scores and household projects were popular thought substitutes! Honestly, it sounds exhausting."
Am I missing something here. As one of those women who is visual saying, "Remove that from me, Lord." works.
It seems to me that men, Christian men, are trying to fight this by themselves.
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