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aggent36
Posts:0
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| 09/26/2009 9:08 PM |
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| I love and deeply respect my husband. I read both books (the one on women is dead-on). I was shocked that my husband often said I take things "too personally" and then got upset when I got up to warm up my soup because I said it was cold. By cold, I meant it was it no longer warm but room temperature. This led to hurt feelings and my being impossible to please. My daughter jumped into the middle of it and said I was crazy that the soup was fine. I was so upset at getting it from two people that I almost cried. I never meant any disrespect, but he heard "failure" in the word cold. He saw my getting up to heat it up some more as a sign of redoing his efforts to warm up a meal. I was crushed at my complete failure of showing respect. And I don't know how to stop being so clueless! He gets upset often with me and it's usually over a feeling of disrespect. He works long hours, takes a night class, and leads Scouts. I get so little time with him, I hate that I keep ruining it. Can someone please give me advice on how to think like a man and stop my disrepect? I'm desperate. Thank you. |
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JoeMS
Posts:38
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| 10/26/2009 8:28 PM |
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If your husband is that sensitive maybe you could be a bit more careful in how you phrase it. "I think I'd like my soup a little warmer. I'll warm mine myself. I want you to eat your soup while it is still warm."
Could there be a deeper issue that is gnawing at him? For example, If a guy feels he is letting his family down by not providing enough financially it can affect other areas of his life and relationships. Maybe a little extra encouragement or appreciation would help to soften him. "I understand this is a difficult time. I respect all you are trying to do. We'll get through it." Maybe throwing in a bit of feminine affection at the same time might help too.
If he responds with gratitude from his heart that he seems to have surrounded with fire bricks you might have struck a chord  |
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aggent36
Posts:0
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| 10/26/2009 8:57 PM |
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| He is a wonderful provider and father and husband. I praise him daily for all the things he does. I shower him with affection and all the bedroom activity he desires. I am struggling with health issues that have me in and out of the hospital. He has lost his playmate and he's frustrated. I speak softly, I take responsibility for my part in misunderstandings, but it seems that no matter how gentle I try to be, he says things like "so you are saying I'm a complete failure." I ask him if he thinks I'm a complete failure and repeat things he's said to me and he says that it's different. He just got a raise at work, so his being a good provider is clearly established. He has my respect and he knows that because I ask him if anything I do - like join facebook, or speak with a male classmate from college bothers him. I tried the other day to tell him that I think that after all the procedures I've had done, that I would like a little fun in my life - to go out and do something fun, just the two of us, like we used to. I shared that feel a little hurt seeing him bubbling with excitement over going to dinner with co-workers or camping and rock climbing with friends and that I would like to bring him that kind of joy. He's upset because he says he can't understand the kind of love I have for him. He finds me confusing and my "demands" hard to take. In the meantime, I am lonely and struggling to find a way to make my husband see me as something more than a broken toy that he has lost interest in playing with by has to keep in the toybox because he promised he would. Today I wrote a list of things that has said bother him - like calling him at work, emailing, talking during tv shows, talking when he's on the computer, etc.. and I'm reviewing them several times a day in hopes that I can change. I love him and he deserves to be happy. I just worry that one day he will wake up and realize that for all my effort, it's not me who is going to give him what he needs. |
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JoeMS
Posts:38
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| 10/27/2009 2:05 PM |
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| Has he always been so sensitive? Any chance there were issues in his family of origin? |
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Adelynn
Posts:419
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| 10/29/2009 5:45 PM |
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He needs to rethink his priorities. Marriage should come only after God Himself. Even church leaders need to let their families come before their service to the church. I think you should talk to someone who knows you both and understands both of your points of view. It's hard to let someone else in and be vulnerable, especially if they already know you as someone who is on top of everything in life. But it's really, really important to share life with other people and to let them in (like in Acts- and basically all of the New Testament).
I also suggest reading a book called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" by Angela Thomas. One thing she talks about is that when we start looking for love to fill that God-shaped hole from anywhere but God, our demands from them become more and more and they can't possibly fill that need so we keep looking and demand even more. It's a vicious cycle. Believing in God isn't enough; you can't have a strong, deep, and personal relationship with a friend who has moved across the country if we only talk to them on holidays. We have to spend time with them. It's the same with God. And there will be "other lovers," but they do need to be prioritized. |
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"Angel of Mercy, how did you find me? How did you pick me up again? Angel of Mercy, how did you move me, why am I on my feet again?" -One Republic |
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Mary Jo
Posts:6
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| 03/24/2010 9:45 AM |
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| I've learned that I can avoid most problems like you mentioned above by being careful about my words. For example, your soup wasn't actually cold. It just wasn't as warm as you would have liked it. With my darling hubby, that distinction is an important one. In your example, he would have thought he hadn't cooked the meal well enough if I had said, "My soup is cold." If, however, I had said, "I think I'd like my soup a little warmer" he probably would have chalked it up to personal preference. "My soup is cold" might have communicated something like 'you can't even do something simple like make soup' whereas the second statement makes it clear 'you got the soup warmed up, I'm just a little picky!' I know it seems like a big deal over a few words but now that I've been made aware of how my husband is wired in this regard, I'm surprised to see that many men function in a similar fashion. |
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